Knock knock...who's there?... Keith Bitches!

I'm sitting at the friendliest place I know...my mother-in-laws' kitchen table...and does it feel good. Wi-fi kicks ass. I haven't posted much but I haven't had much to say. This is going to be random at best but I'm going to start with the Dynamically Gay Duo of Hollywood...Batman & Superman. Those of you who have been to the Chinese theater know who I'm talking 'bout. Superman you really need a shave. Yeah you were nice to my dog but even Chris Reeve shaved while he could. Why don't we try a little harder to represent...okay. Next, a shout to Batman. When you see a complete stranger walking down a crowded street with pitbull in tow lets' not flex our sadly in need of a dry clean cape and try to get a rise out of the dog. #1, the pitbull might snap and eat your face. #2, the owner might snap and join the pit. #3, the owner might not appreciate all the tireless work he's put into trying to break the stereotype of the vicious pitbull by having his go ape shit every time someone or something clad in black comes into focus. This has caused insane barking at the sight of everything from goth middle schoolers to wood burning stoves. You sir, should be keel hauled. #4, when you flex your sadly in need of a good dry clean cape at my dog and it's quite apparent that neither my dog or myself are enjoying it, don't keep following us down the street flexing your sadly in need of a dry clean cape. Next time I'll let him go and we'll see how finely tuned your super powers are. #5, I seriously doubt that Bruce Wayne got his utility belt from army surplus. Lets' spend a little less money on back issues of Bronc and drop some do-re-mi at the prop store. I'm sure it's listed in the yellow pages. Next...Shrek. I didn't know you were just a black guy in a costume. I'm sure it's quite hot in there but let's put forth a little more effort. You sir, would never make it at Disneyland. To the executive management of all roadside fast food restaurants. Yes, vandalism is expensive. Yes, sometimes pay toilets are necessary. But if I have to shell out a quarter to empty my prosthetic I'd rather not do it standing in a puddle of piss. How 'bout having 1 of your fry machine trainees grab the business end of a mop instead of standing outside the front door, with their apron on, giving out free second hand smoke. No Wendy, I won't tell you the name of the restaurant but I suddenly wanted a burrito instead. Thanks to the Marin County Sheriffs Dept. I had totally forgotten what it was like to be sarcastic and rude at the same time. You all really are talented. Instead of being condescending to the uninitiated maybe you could head down to the Sausalito Seven-11 and disperse the Benz full of 15 year old tweakers. To the computer guy in Redondo Beach. YOU sir, kick ass. You were helpful above and beyond anything I expected. You saved me tons of money that would have been wasted in a stressed-out trip to Kinkos and then you didn't charge me a cent. Good karma to you. I would like to thank Antidisestablishmentarian & BigTanky. Unfortunately, neither one of you will be considered for employment by Marin County law enforcement but that's how it goes. I'm sure you two are tired of us thanking you for your hospitality but I have to unroll the rug of gratitude one last time. You gave the weary travelers unfettered access to your inn. You offered VIP tickets to the Laker game. You let us feel up J Lo and offered every courtesy to our dog. I hope your boss kicks cancers' ass and you graduate sum cum loud. I will not rest until I reciprocate your kindness. You treated us far better than FAMILY did. I tip my hat to you. Finally, FAMILY. I have had a lot of time to contemplate my reaction to the unfortunate situation we all encountered. Here it goes. After driving over 100 hours in 10 days and being put on a pedestal by complete strangers I expected a little more. We may have been earlier than you expected but you did expect us. I could have called you at 3:30 a.m. when we rolled into town but even I thought that a little rude. I didn't want a tour, food or money and I certainly didn't want to disrupt your lives. All I wanted was sleep. Precious sleep. The kind of sleep that dreams are made of. I am poor. I choose to live that way. Even my vacation was upper-lower class Mexican. If I could have afforded a hotel room I would have, but I couldn't. I don't own a boat, business or a house and probably never will. What I do own is pride. I shouldn't have invaded your plastic world and I won't ever do it again, I promise. BUT, when you make my wife, your niece cry by pushing your guilt off on her by involving the thought of her hurting her grandpas feelings then you should be ashamed. Please don't waste your emotions or apologies on me. I will never speak of this again, to anyone, for any reason. I have burnt many bridges in my life and will continue to do so. But I never burnt a bridge I might want to re-cross. As I strike another match I say to you...Happy Trails.