Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Day 1

I dropped off Keith this afternoon. We sat in an office and he answered questions and he signed forms and we paid a fee. Then we sat and waited for someone to come get the new Detoxer (that's what they called him). He asked me if I was doing OK. I held his hand.

It was hard to leave him. He didn't want to "make a scene" in the waiting area, and I couldn't get enough kisses and hugs and touches. I think mostly he just didn't want to get all upset (again). It was almost like I'll never see him again. Well, I guess the next time I see him he will be New. Or at least Refurbished. We've rarely spent time apart since we've been together, and I can't remember a time when we've been apart for 5 days. I feel unwhole.

I can't imagine what he's doing right now. I wonder what he's eating, if he's "keeping busy," if he's alone in his room, if people are nice there, if he's feeling frustrated, if he's crying, if he misses me, if he's hurting, if he has a decent pillow, if he thinks it was all a mistake, if he's having symptoms. I wish I could see him or talk to him, but I have to wait at least 5 days (an eternity). I feel like I need to be able to encourage him and let him know that I am thinking about him and that I'm not just going on with my life. I walked down by the lake this afternoon and I couldn't believe all the people that were having a normal Wednesday afternoon. And my husband is in detox and no one knows the pain. And people ask me, "How are you?" in normal transactions, like giving me change, and I am compelled to say, "Not so good" and my eyes fill with tears. And it really sucks. And I'm really tired.

But this has to be harder for him than for me and I try to remember that and not feel so sorry for myself. But it hurts. I just want to be with him, to see him, to feel him, to laugh with him. I just want my Keith.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

A new day, a new way

Well, in the morning Keith and I are headed north to Coeur d'Alene.
Detox mansion's about to get serious.

Today was the hardest day of my life.

And I can only assume it was even harder for Keith. He said he's been waiting for this for a long long time. But that doesn't make it any easier. Maybe it even makes it harder.

I don't know what to do with all of these emotions I have right now. So I type. And I definitely don't sleep. What's up with knowing that you need sleep and still not being able to quiet your mind to the point where you forget and eventually fall asleep. Yoga has taught me breathing techniques to quiet the mind. But my nose is plugged from crying. I'm a Mouth Breather typing away on a computer in the middle of the night.

Tomorrow: I don't know what tomorrow will be. I expect it to be hard. But I expect to gain some distance on all of this some time in the future and maybe then I can say it wasn't so bad.

But for now, it's Bad.

But we have love and I have the hope that it's enough to sustain us through whatever lies ahead. I don't know what else to think.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

RIP, indeed

Driving to Kamiah recently, I noticed that the Idaho County Farmer was MIA. This week, we saw this:There was a short article in the local paper about his demise. It seems some people (rednecks and/or punks) just can't appreciate the little things in life. In an area where people think art is an animal head hanging on a wall with it's mouth agape, this was a nice and friendly reminder about what Idaho can be. Sad, sad, sad.

In other news, I have started going to yoga again. There's only a couple weeks of classes left (2x/week), but if there is enough interest, she may do workshops or semi-private sessions, which I would totally be into. Keeping my fingers crossed.

And I've pretty much decided that I'm not going back to my counseling job. It was a good job, but I didn't have passion for it, and I feel like that's what I need in my life--something to feel passionate about. And don't tell me that jobs are jobs and everyone has to have one, passion aside. Because I don't want to settle for that. So I am working for Keith out at the golf club, going to yoga 2x week (for now), reading, and hoping to find something that I can really get into. What that is yet, I don't know.

One of the books I bought with my B&N gift card (thanks, Amanda!) was The Pig Who Sang to the Moon. I haven't even read it and I already buy the message....animals have feelings, too. So maybe that's an area I can get into. I was telling Keith that I could start working towards a Master's with online classes (none of that University of Phoenix stuff) and that at UM, a person could actually design their own Master's program. Now, that sounds like something for me. He said, "Let me introduce you to my wife, April. She's a professional student." There are worse things to be. Although I would have to start honing my grant-writing skills as to avoid the Department of Education loan system. Seasonal work is not conducive to paying off heaps of student loans, this I know. Plans, plans, plans. Always planning and then revising as necessary.

Or there's this.

(Just kidding.)

Saturday, May 20, 2006

I got mp3'd

Well, I finally joined the technorevolution and got myself an mp3 player. iPod schmiPod. I bought a Creative Zen Nano for $50 and I love it. (So, yes, I hate WalMart, but I had a gift card to spend, so I thought, Oh well....technically, I didn't spend money at WalMart, someone else did.) Anyway, I have spent the past few days compiling a playlist and downloading music from epitonic. And now I have tunes to walk, walk the dog, pick the range, etc. It's great. It holds about 240 songs (not anywhere near full yet) and I can rotate in and out, because, really, who wants to listen to the same stuff over and over...isn't this the point of not having to listen to local radio?

Our heat wave was broken by a massive thunderstorm last night. I looked over at the taxidermy shop's gutters and water was shoooooting out. Water running down the street in full force. Now the sky is clouded over again and I'm hoping Keith will come home early. The rain and recent heat has also helped our lilac tree bloom out....I love me some lilacs. Right by the bathroom, too, that is so nice.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

It's a heat wave.

It's HOT. Like 84°. That's hot for central Idaho in mid-May. I hope a thunderstorm is on its way.

Yesterday was Keith's day off so we drove up toward Elk City and we actually made it all the way to Red River Hot Springs, though we didn't go swimming. The last time we had been up there was almost 5 years ago for our honeymoon. It was a little drier, but otherwise nice. Nice to get out of the house and out of town.

Today I mowed the lawn and cleaned house. And rode my bike for the first time in months. It was nice, I should do it more. I will do it more.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

We're done.

Amanda's graduation from the UofI was this weekend. Family from all over and a good celebration. She didn't trip on the stage and we all hollered when her name was called to get her (stand-in) diploma.

We also went with my grandpa to visit his old frat house, which he hadn't been in since 1951! He had some great stories for us, including the time he was tied to the flag pole and drenched with a fire house after "pinning" my grandma. She was supposed to come rescue him, but they had a hard time finding her. It was January---19° outside. He said he was surprised he didn't die on pneumonia on the spot.

My graduation ceremony was this weekend, too, at UM. Obviously, I wasn't there. But that was the plan all along. I'm not so big on the ceremony part; I know I graduated. Maybe I'll make it to my Master's ceremony.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

I knew you'd save me.

Me: I'm stuck in the tar pits.

Keith: I'll rinse you with gasoline.

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

Nanner > teacher

My sister was offered a job today! She graduates from the Univ. of Idaho this weekend and so she can now proudly tell all inquirers that she is gainfully employed as a 2nd grade teacher. How bizarre is that?! Actually not all that bizarre, but pretty cool. I am so proud of her. Good job Nanner!

The weekend was filled with agnst and lawn-mowing (what a pair) and we went to Lewiston yesterday and loaded up at Costco. I bought some hot pink shiny tiny heels that are so Not Me that it's hilarious. But they match the skirt and shirt I bought and they are all man-made, so yeah. (All of this is for my sister's graduation this weekend).

I talked to an old friend today and made plans to do something this summer.

And I scrubbed my yoga mat. It had an alternate life as a doormat/dog rug while we were in Mexico, but I decided to give it a scrub up so I can rejoin yoga lessons as soon as I find out when they are. I know the Where part, now I just need the When. The Where, I'm serious, is in the basement of the Elks' Lodge.

Now if that doesn't inspire you to breathe deeply and stretch your sacrum, you're a lost cause. Namaste.

Friday, May 5, 2006

Unpaid vacation, it's the 2nd best kind.

I quit my job today. Until further notice. Unpaid vacation, technically. I hope to go back to it. But I need to take care of my own mental health before I can pretend to help someone else. So I start seeing a therapist ("The Rapist" Keith always says in his best Sean Connery voice--a reference to the SNL Jeopardy skit) next week and we'll see what happens. I felt a short-lived sense of relief after going in and talking to the partners at work. But also this sense of apprehensiveness about having to tell a stranger why it seems I can't keep my shit together. This is life, though, you know. So I just go with it. What I've been doing obviously hasn't been working, so time to try something new.

And we'll go from there.

Tuesday, May 2, 2006

Another year down

I had imagined I would be spending my birthday in Mexico. As I walked Lazlo this morning I tried to conjure up visions of walking through Mexico villages in the mornings and all the associated sounds. Mini-mediation, like.

Spending the day with Keith was my number one priority, so I helped him out at the golf course, prepping for Ladies' Night (must be said like Leon Phelps for full effect). And I took Lazlo swimming at Tolo Lake, afterwhich we took an emergency ride to the vet because I sent him chasing a ball over a downed barb-wire fence.
Doc said no stitches necessary.

Then I got pulled over by a trooper for going 53 in a 45. Great. Just great. Got away without a ticket, lucky as that was. Maybe he noticed it was my birthday.