Day 1

I dropped off Keith this afternoon. We sat in an office and he answered questions and he signed forms and we paid a fee. Then we sat and waited for someone to come get the new Detoxer (that's what they called him). He asked me if I was doing OK. I held his hand.

It was hard to leave him. He didn't want to "make a scene" in the waiting area, and I couldn't get enough kisses and hugs and touches. I think mostly he just didn't want to get all upset (again). It was almost like I'll never see him again. Well, I guess the next time I see him he will be New. Or at least Refurbished. We've rarely spent time apart since we've been together, and I can't remember a time when we've been apart for 5 days. I feel unwhole.

I can't imagine what he's doing right now. I wonder what he's eating, if he's "keeping busy," if he's alone in his room, if people are nice there, if he's feeling frustrated, if he's crying, if he misses me, if he's hurting, if he has a decent pillow, if he thinks it was all a mistake, if he's having symptoms. I wish I could see him or talk to him, but I have to wait at least 5 days (an eternity). I feel like I need to be able to encourage him and let him know that I am thinking about him and that I'm not just going on with my life. I walked down by the lake this afternoon and I couldn't believe all the people that were having a normal Wednesday afternoon. And my husband is in detox and no one knows the pain. And people ask me, "How are you?" in normal transactions, like giving me change, and I am compelled to say, "Not so good" and my eyes fill with tears. And it really sucks. And I'm really tired.

But this has to be harder for him than for me and I try to remember that and not feel so sorry for myself. But it hurts. I just want to be with him, to see him, to feel him, to laugh with him. I just want my Keith.